Tag Archives: spirituality

More Light than Darkness

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once i knew everything
i needed to know
about the source of light and love

   
then i would have been
bewildered by those
who paused to celebrate
the summer solstice

today i sat in silence
with my face turned
toward the sun
and simply breathed
  
now i have more questions
than answers
but this i know for certain


more hope than doubt
more love than fear
more trust than cynicism
more peace than hate
more acceptance than despair
more grace than judgment
more light than darkness
   
that is worth breathing in
that is worth celebrating
no matter how you
understand the source

Happy Solstice!

Originally written on the Summer Solstice, June 20, 2012 and published on the blog I had back then.

What Name Do You Call?

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Clouds at sunset
once i called you Jesus
with that word, i could relate to you
safe, knowable
baby in a manager
willing sacrifice
Spirit seemed so far away
untouchable, distant
Father was the angry god
i could never hope to satisfy

one day i wished more for mystery
a god i could not contain
Spirit became the name i called
ever-present, intimately intertwined
yet other in every possible way
Jesus, still when comfort needed
but Father rarely spoken
afraid i’d disappoint

in wonder i remember
moment of discovery
the day i learned to call you Father
arms open, reaching out to embrace
holding me close in love
unashamed of how broken i felt
Father offering everything i lacked
three-in-one, i knew you then
knowable mystery accepting
me in love

those words now leave me tangled
web of hurt, anger, bitterness
i try to call your name
but my voice will not speak
those words i once used
my heart contracts
the walls close in
once familiar names
my life no longer knows you
the face i see reflected
lacks truth of who you are
of who i am in you
i need a new word
but who am i to name
the source of all creation

each day i sit in silence
whispering a single word
seeking, trying to find the one
that encompasses and draws us together
Ruah, Breath, i seek to draw you in
Creator, most easily recognized
your handiwork surrounds me
i sit with you in stillness
but still you feel unknown
i breathe
inhale, exhale
pause, repeat
in the space carved out
my heart feels a new name
so clear the word seems spoken in my ear

Beloved

i pause, my breath held close
Beloved, name and invitation
in one simple word
i cannot comprehend
you call me Beloved
at the core of my being
you invite me to intimacy
to be yours
to call you my own
Beloved you are all i have known
more than i can yet comprehend
reminder of the beauty
i have let slip away
lost in waves of anger and pain
Beloved offers comfort, understanding
growth to some thing more
Beloved demands no striving
offers rest and ease
encouragement to grow deeper
bolder, stronger
Beloved knows
I am enough
sunlight on the water

Written in September 2012 and previously published on blog I had then, several years after I’d walked away from church (but clearly not faith) and several years before I’d figured out I was queer.

Today, a conversation with a friend about the phrase he often uses in prayer “the God of so many names” made me of think it. Reading it again before sharing it with that friend reminded me of a truth I’d known but have allowed to get buried.

And yet … (Maundy Thursday 2017)

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The altar stripped bare
each piece carefully and thoughtfully removed
layers peeled away
harsh, barren surfaces
and yet ...

The light dimmed
The sanctuary in near darkness
and yet ...

I cannot look away
I long to stand up
to walk out the door
to return to the life
I'd chosen away from
all of this
and yet ...

As my soul is stripped bare
tears of anger and bitterness
of regret and heartbreak
stream slowly down my cheeks
and yet ...

I cannot look away
I long to stay and never leave
this moment
and yet ...

I've never felt so broken
and yet so completely whole
so lost beyond hope
and yet so relentlessly found
so without a single word to speak
and yet so full of truth undeniable
a mainly black and white photo of the front of the sanctuary at St. John the Divine Anglican Church. There are three dark arched windows. There is some light illuminating a shrouded cross. All other furnishings have been removed from the altar below.
Photo credit: Karen C – Maundy Thursday at St. John the Divine Anglican Church

I wrote this in on Maundy Thursday in 2017 and first shared it on the blog I had on Maundy Thursday in 2018.

Whisper Hope

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music
something magical
in the combination
of melody and words
draws me back
time and again
faith I have known
since childhood
whispered unwillingly
back into life

the theology and
version of community
I once longed for
now leave me
at best, discomforted
and apathetic
at worst, hurt, angry
and once again broken

but in the silence
filled with more than
notes and lines on a page
I am drawn back
to the possibility of belief
to the remembrance
of comfort found
in dark places
of the savage beast
of despair and unworthiness
soothed into contentment
and acceptance

perhaps somewhere
a new understanding
of community is forming
within a theology
of love lived out loud
embracing queerness
and diversity
as expressions of wholeness
not brokenness
in need of rescue

someday may I find it
and learn to sing again
for now, may I allow
the song to whisper hope

Not Crying on Sundays

——-

Begun at a Steve Bell concert in December 2013.

Artwork inspired by Same Love by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis featuring Mary Lambert.

Visit to The Grotto

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Grotto - St JudeSaint Jude,
Patron saint of lost causes
Seems fitting I would find you here

Beloved
Let me meet you here
In shadow and in sunlight
In sorrow and in peace

Tears on the verge of escaping
And yet a sense of peace overwhelms
Perhaps that is exactly what brings
The aching sorrow I’ve held
So close to the surface

In this place
I catch a glimmer of belief

I stumble upon
What I came to find
Unexpectedly

The Grotto Labyrinth
Grotto - Pondering the PathLaid out before me
I sit for a moment
And breathe
Wondering
If I have the temerity
To walk its path
What lies at its center?

At my center?

A chance to walk its path
drew me here today
And yet I feel a strange reluctance
To set my feet on its circuitous path

The mosquitos drive my forward
Movement is better than stagnation.

Each step felt carefully
My balance faltering
As I tread the narrow
Winding road

I pause at each turning
I breathe and I look up
The height of the trees around
Grotto - Standing TallGives strength and seems
To point the way forward

I breathe deeper
The silence fills me
Nourishes my soul
The only sounds
Those of nature
The twittering songs of unseen birds
The flowing water in a nearby pond
the surprisingly clear sound of a single leaf
Falling softly from great height
Slowly to the ground

Another woman begins to walk
My first thought is to wish her away
To keep this place for myself

Her steps are crisp and confident
So unlike how mine feel

But then
I discover comfort in her presence
Our journeys are different
But without names or even
An awareness of each other’s face
Grotto - Path to the CentreWe are not on this journey alone

As I draw closer to my destination
I notice love drawing me in
Two hearts mark the entrance
At the centre of the labyrinth

I continue, step by careful step
One foot then the other
Stepping around the maple leaves
Lying dry on the ground

Another woman joins the journey
This time, my heart swells with welcome
I have learned
Grotto - Beckoned in by LoveSacred space is meant to be shared

I reach my goal
I pause before taking the final step
I feel the Beloved
Welcoming me home
Two hearts opening
The way ahead
I enter
I breathe deeply
I stand looking at the centre
At the heart

At my heart

A thought enters my mind
It feels foolish
and holy
I follow through
Grotto - Holy GroundThis is sacred ground
I slide my feet out of my shoes
And stand bare footed
On the labyrinth’s heart

I make my mountain
Feeling myself become
Grounded in that moment
I stand
I breathe
I am home

I begin my journey outwards
My steps feel more secure
More in sync with who I am
I choose not to rush the return
Grotto - Labyrinth WelcomeI savour the moments

I gather my belongings
Left waiting while I walked

I sit, I write
I breathe out my frustration
At the group who see
The labyrinth as a game
A maze to be conquered
They’re missing the sacred
In their midst

I choose to stay present
I choose to write my story
Of this moment

My steps feel different
Calmer, more at peace
Grotto - View from the MountainJoyful, content

I could stay on this mountain
All day

Strange, the mosquitos haven’t bothered me
Since I chose to begin
The inward journey

 

——-

Written during a visit to The Grotto in Portland, OR in October 2013.