"Father, forgive them … for they know not what they do." - Luke 23:34
Could Jesus say the same to us today? Do we understand what we have done by letting the faith we claim be co-opted by empire? by letting the loudest voices speak hate in God's name? I'm glad I no longer believe we must earn forgiveness else all might truly be lost.
"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" - Matthew 27:46
I remember being told "If God seems far away, guess who moved?" It wasn't Jesus who moved he followed the path laid out for him by the same God who now felt unreachable Maybe it wasn't me who moved either when darkness felt overwhelming and faith impossible Maybe sometimes it's just hard and that's okay too.
"He said to his mother, 'Woman, behold your son!'' Then he said to the disciple, 'Behold your mother'" - John 19:26-27
Not a biological family but a chosen family a found family a family birthed out of pain A family created nonetheless so no one is left on their own That sounds pretty queer to me
"I thirst" - John 19:28
Hydration, a basic human need we cannot live without and yet, by our actions we take it for granted assume there will always be water to slake our thirst Unless you belong to one of the 38 First Nations in Canada who still have long term drinking water advisories in 2026 or you live in Gaza, or Iran, or the Sudan or … I don't have to wonder what Jesus would think "I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink. … Whatever you did not do for the least of these …"
"Today you will be with me in Paradise" - Luke 23:43
I stopped believing in a literal Hell a long time ago But I no longer know what I believe about "Paradise" Might it still exist? Sure, maybe, but also maybe not And I'm okay with that Jesus isn't my "get out of jail free" card or my fast pass to heaven any more I'd rather spend my time working to see the kingdom of heaven here on earth where all find wholeness and liberation What happens after I die doesn't scare me any more
"It is finished." - John 19:30
But is it? An ending of one thing is often the beginning of a new thing A single human life finished but the task remains both complete and yet ever continuing between the dreaming and the coming true The kingdom of heaven is here and the kingdom of heaven is still to come Or as Fannie Harmer said "Nobody's free until everybody's free." So the work isn't finished yet
"Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." - Luke 23:46
So much trust. Am I capable of that kind of faith anymore? I once aspired to that Felt like it depended on me doing it right believing the correct things But if faith in Christ is also the faith of Christ Then it's not about my faith and trust it's about God's faithfulness and care for us And that sounds more like Divine Love than what I used to believe
Me! Taken by my friend Matt on a trip into San Francisco a couple of weeks ago.
ten years ago I thought I understood the price of hate ten thousand children tossed away in the name of protecting orthodoxy rather than allowing homosexuals to be treated with dignity and equality I couldn't understand that version of christianity concluded I was done never to return but, it made me find my voice take pride in who God created me to be entirely, unashamedly queer
ten years further on... there are micro labels giving details to queer I better understand who I am how I got to 43 before knowing I wasn't straight queer cisgender asexual sapphically-oriented panromantic but still queer
ten years further on... the price of hate grown exponentially our trans and non-binary siblings attacked verbally and physically on a daily basis their lives at risk for living the truth of who they were created to be the charge led by those claiming to speak on behalf of a God defined by love but perverted into fear and hate of everything queer
ten years further on... I've experienced the gift of love unconditional, freely given without expectation of return seeking the flourishing of all I've found faith in God allowing my full self all of my questions all of my doubts all of my queerness without having to hide I've learned there is much more than I was taught evangelical christianity isn't the only understanding liberation for all is possible if your faith is queer
ten years further on ... I am grateful that I didn't know until I was ready until my family could accept who I am until I could accept who I am I am grateful for friends old and new who see me for who I am for chosen family some by biology, most not who love me and see my queerness I am grateful for my family of faith in-person and online richer community than I had ever known because I can be fully queer
Today is ten years since I came out about being queer. I'd only figured it out about 8 months before. It feels both like yesterday and like a lifetime ago. For those who have been part of the journey, thank you. For my partner who I never imagined I would find, I love you and I'm so grateful for you and the delightfully queer family we have created. You will always have my heart. For my chosen family, you know who you are, my life would not be as rich without you. For my queer community of faith, I am so grateful for each and every one of you. I see Jesus in you in every encounter, in person and online. The fruit is real and it is very good. Don't ever doubt that despite what accusations are hurled in hate and fear. For queer elders, both in age and experience, thank you for sharing your wisdom, for fighting for our rights, and seeking to make our world a place where we all can thrive.
I gave myself permission ... to truly rest to stop striving to accept I am enough?
The world wouldn't end Life would continue I would still be loved
What if ...
I gave myself permission ... to sit in silence to be still to breathe?
The world wouldn't cease turning Sounds would continue I would still be enough
What if ...
I gave myself permission ... to savour each moment to revel in the joy to embrace the sorrow?
The world would continue on Life would still happen I would be able to sit with those things
What if ...
I gave myself permission ... to fully be who I am created to be to embrace my idiosyncracies to express the depth of my queerness?
The world would still have space for me Life would be richer I would continue to find those who see me
With thanks to Alejandro, TJ, Sarah and Josh for creating and facilitating the beautiful online contemplative spirituality retreat – Sacred Rest: An Invitation to Sabbath and Renewal – where I had space to ask these questions.
Thanks as well to Joanna for ensuring the tech ran smoothly and didn’t become a distraction.
Thank you as well to the other participants. I don’t know whether any of you are likely to see this, but I’m glad all of us had this opportunity to rest together.
We claim we are
a church for all people
in the heart of Victoria
We seek to be inclusive
making a safe space for 2SLGBTQIA+ people
We work for justice
striving to make the world a better place
We prioritize reconciliation and healed relationships
with the Indigenous peoples of these lands
We commit to safeguard
the integrity of God’s creation
But what does that mean
if our inclusion ignores intersectionality
when our actions push aside
those already on the margins
so they are farther out and less valued
than they were before
because they lack the things
society requires for them
to be seen as worthwhile
when we fear those who live outside our walls
when we say land belongs to us and
no one is welcome but those we allow inside
what are we shouting at
our unhoused and Indigenous neighbours
who have stewarded these lands since
time immemorial
whose lands we've taken for our own purpose
and now said they are unwelcome
without our permission
what are we shouting at
our unhoused and 2SLGBTQIA+ neighbours
who became unwelcome in their homes
because of lies and toxic theology
taught in the name of the God we claim
what are we shouting at
our unhoused and disabled neighbours
when we have allowed governments
to strip away supports and funding
and dignity that has left them without
what are we shouting at
our unhoused and addicted neighbours
who have found the only solace they can
in self-medication
because there were few other choices available
and we have criminalized their method of survival
what are we shouting at
our neighbours both unhoused and housed
when we are willing to decimate
a green space of refuge
in the heart of the city where few are found
and for what are we shouting?
a fence will not stop noise
a fence will not stop our unhoused neighbours
existing on our doorstep
a fence will not add safety
because a fence will not keep out fear
only love will do that
Tomorrow after church there will be a meeting to decided whether we will approve putting a fence down the middle of the green space between the church and the geared-to-income seniors housing building as part of fencing in the senior’s housing building as part of improving safety of the residents. We are, and have been for decades, a block from the majority of services for the unhoused community in our city.
I have strong feelings about what that decision will say to our community.
For context, I write this as a white, cisgender, able-bodied, queer, fat woman who is employeed full-time and struggles with depression and anxiety. I seek to understand the privilege I carry, and I know there is no true inclusion or progress if we are not all included.
I have sought to describe our unhoused neighbours with compassion and to the best of my ability and understanding, but if I have mispoken or misrepresented, please do not hesitate to let me know so that I can continue to learn and do better.
once upon a time I knew
Child of God
Created in His image
Christian
Believer
or at least
I acted like I knew
I did believe
I wanted to believe
I was scared if I didn’t believe
The GLBG
“Good Little Baptist Girl”
was what I knew
all I knew how to be
all I thought
I should be
but The GLBG
was always afraid
what if someone finds out?
what if someone realizes
The GLBG doesn’t
read her Bible
or pray
everyday
or even
every week
what if someone discovers
The GLBG would rather do
anything other than
pray out loud
in a group
what if someone discerns
The GLBG doesn’t believe quite
as hard as they do
or that the GLBG can’t
just take it on faith
because the bible
or the church
or the pastor
says it is so
The GLBG always knew
if she were known
she would be cast out
adrift
cut off
unwanted
unloved
because she was never
enough
Not good enough
Not spiritual enough
Not … something she didn’t even have words for …
enough
The GLBG knew if anyone
God included
looked deep enough
she would be found out
The GLBG hung on to faith
for as long as she could
she hid her GLBG heritage
and tried to live into
the faith she claimed
with freedom
and compassion
and grace
but eventually
she failed
even freedom
compassion
and grace are not enough
when you don’t actually believe
they could ever apply
to you
so I left
I wandered
I explored
I listened
eventually
I found words
for what was deep inside
I cried
I raged
I hated
I loved
I listened some more
The GLBG
slipped away
I learned
not to be afraid
not to hide
Goodbye GLBG
I don’t need you anymore
I am enough
unexpectedly
my path wandered back
I didn’t plan it
I tried to avoid it
but I found myself
at home in a church
where I am not afraid
where I hear words from the pulpit
that assure me of
unconditional love
grace
acceptance
as I am
a queer person
of faith
who doesn’t really know
what she believes
but does know
that if god
by whatever name you call
is to be found
they
(singular or plural
you choose
but definitely
non-gender specific)
they will be found
in the depths
in the darkness
in the margins
in the hopeless
in the lost
in the wanderers
Originally published on my old blog in January 2017 as my entry in that year’s Queer Theology Synchroblog on the theme of “Identity”
for the one whose name I do not know
whose story I do not know
except for a few tiny and life-changing details
you recently told your family
that you wanted them to use
new pronouns for you
I do not know why you chose the ones you did
but I know you chose they/them
the only other thing I know
one of your family members
asked online friends, followers and strangers
to pray for you
I hope you didn't see what he asked
you deserve better and more from those
called family
I wish I could say he asked for comfort
for you on this journey to living out
who you truly are
who you were created to be
but he didn't
and my heart broke for you
I did say I'd pray
though not for what he asked
because coming out is a precious journey
and you, like every trans or queer person,
deserve to know that you are loved
and accepted
and valued
and supported
whatever label you claim in our rainbow family
so I prayed for you
to know peace and love from those most dear to you
to feel confidence as you take this step
and I prayed for your family
for changed hearts
for willingness to set aside theology held tightly
beliefs that would lead them to think
you are somehow less than
perfectly
loved and created by God
exactly as you are
as queerly as you are
as whatever gender you know yourself to be
but in case their hearts cannot see you
in case they cling to to tightly
to what was never true
I prayed for courage to walk the path you need
to honour who you are
and for comfort if you must grieve their loss
so you can move confidently forward
and bravery that you already have
to find companions for the road ahead
chosen family who know and love you
I don’t know the specific person I was praying for yesterday, but I encountered their brother on Twitter (nope, I’m not calling it any other name).
I wish … I wish so many things, but mainly I wish for a world where every 2SLGBTQIA+ person didn’t have to wonder if the people who are supposed to love them unconditionally would really be able to do that. I particulary wish that for those who have grown up in the church.
I am ever so grateful that by the time I finally figured out I was queer, my family had already made it to affirming (at least mainly), but I also know that version of the story is far too rare. So, really, this prayer is for far more than just one person whose name I don’t know but whose pronouns I do, it is for all of my rainbow siblings, in or out of the closet, whatever label, whatever gender identity or sexuality you know to be yours, whose families haven’t yet been able to see you for who you are. Some day may they change and until then, may you know that your rainbow family loves you and sees you.
it looks different now
in part because I know its name
which makes it both harder and easier
in a way I don't know how to navigate
but I've found my way out of darkness before
the darkness of the closet
the darkness of shame
the darkness of grief
the darkness of depression
I've found the window of light
the one I worked so hard to recognize before
it's still there, I've just lost track of it
the darkness didn't extinguish it then
the darkness hasn't consumed it now
the hard-earned light of past travail
sometimes that's the window of light to surprise you
sometimes that's a crack "that's how the light gets in"
sometimes that's what motivates you
"to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight"
sometimes that's what reminds you the pain now won't be for
evermore
It’s Monday night … tonight’s context for this writing during our Lectio Divina practice was Taylor Swift’s song Evermore and John O’Donohue’s blessing “For Suffering” and also the discussion that happened as we shared what we had heard in our listening that drew connections deeper and richer than I had heard on my own. I am so grateful for this community.
And yes, I’m also grateful for Canadian poet-songwriters Leonard Cohen and Bruce Cockburn.
You can find the full text of Andrea Gibson’s poem on their substack.
... where I come from beauty is in the eye
of anyone who sees what’s missing
but can’t stop pointing to what’s still there.
If there is no definition of love yet,
I think that’s a good one.
we're still there
despite everything
that has been missing
we're still there
that is the definition of love
that is the evidence of our faith
Some context is important and if you follow me on Twitter, it won’t be surprising the context includes that I’ve been listening to Flamy Grant’s song Good Day, so I couldn’t help but hear Andrea’s words with that song as an underlying soundtrack during the Lectio Divina practice of the Monday Night Contemplative Spirituality Group I’m part of.
If somehow you haven’t heard Good Day yet, have a listen. You won’t regret it.
it's not just one of you
it's so many of you
I see their words
the quotation marks they use
questioning the legitimacy of your calling
because of who you are
because you're a woman
because you're queer
because you're gay or lesbian
because you're trans or non-binary
because you're disabled or neurodivergent
because you're not who they think God could possibly call
and every time I see those words
my heart breaks for you
I know many of you have grown accustomed to this hate
have learned to ignore their outrage
have thickened your skin
and learned to lean into God's calling
regardless of the hate thrown your way
and that is a beautiful and powerful thing
but I also remember how those words land
not every time
sometimes you laugh them off
sometimes you roll your eyes and sigh
and move on because God has given
you much more important tasks
but sometimes the words stick
not a serious cut
just a tiny prick
on top of so many
tiny pricks and prods and pokes
in the tenderest spot
where you are both strongest and most vulnerable
the spot where you know God's calling
in those moments
know that you are seen
know that those who have heard those same words
even if we've left our callings behind
we feel that pain with you
we see how God has called you
not despite of what makes you uniquely you
but because of what makes you uniquely you
because you're a woman
because you're queer
because you're gay or lesbian
because you're trans or non-binary
because you're disabled or neurodivergent
because you're not who they think God could possibly call
that is exactly why God has called you
and we stand alongside you
offering our strength and our care
our ears, virtual or real
our understanding and our prayers
and when we can, even ourselves as shields
so you can stay focused on the work
to which you are most definitely called
This is only the second time I’ve recorded myself reading one of my poems, but words on a page didn’t seem enough.
For those of you this is written for, I wanted you to be able hear them these words from the voice of a friend, in case that’s what you need to remind you.
I get it
You're angry
I get it
You've been hurt
Me too
It's not fair or right
soooo many people
take soooo long to become affirming
and even longer to "come out" as affirming
[yes, I know that phrase is going to annoy some of you
it kind of annoys me too when straight people use it
but we're more similar than we are different
and I'm rethinking my annoyance]
because tonight
for the first time since I came out
I felt ashamed of my journey to figuring out I'm queer
and it wasn't the words or actions of
a hateful Christian bigot that spawned the shame
it was vitriol directed at an ally who "came out"
admitted he was wrong and
apologized for what he'd previously believed
[and no, he didn't say he was "coming out"
that's my word choice]
43 years it took me to figure it out
not broken and straight
queer and whole
and another 8 months to come out publicly
but before that
41 years to become fully affirming
and only after I'd thrown church and faith away
I'd never walked away from friendships due to my faith
but I didn't know how to reconcile what I'd been taught
with friends who'd come out (or were outed) years before
I loved them as best as I knew how
in the eighties and nineties and two thousands
but looking back it was ...
insufficient
because love the sinner, hate the sin always is
no matter how much you try to love the sinner
but I stayed and those friendships grew
and eventually I learned how to truly love them
and me
the person so many are mad at
he was honest
it took him 9 years to get here
Can I be honest?
Or will this condemn me in your eyes?
I started asking the questions that eventually
got me to realizing churches need rainbows
when I was 17
so 9 years?
that feels pretty short and pretty fast
24 years?
that's a lot of years I could have done things differently
so where does that leave me?
someone who is part of the community
someone who is queer
but also someone who took a lot longer on my journey
to affirm and celebrate the dignity and diversity
of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community
than I wish it had
I can't change those years
You have no idea how much I wish I could
those regrets are mine to navigate
but please know when you rail against allies
who you think took too long
or didn't "come out" in quite the right way
I'm certain I'm not the only one who wonders
what you think of how long it took me
I don’t often link to my old blog, but I wrote about the moment when I finally became fully affirming. While I was specifically writing about a friend who was gay, my reference to the church needing rainbows was meant to include everyone within the 2SLGBTQIA+ community even though I didn’t have all the words for that back then.
Also, apologies, there are probably some typos in here that I’ll need to fix tomorrow, but it’s late and I need to go to sleep and, come what may, I need to say this out loud if I’m gong to have an likelihood of a decent sleep tonight.
Poeming Out 