I don't know why I didn't block you on sight
why I allowed you to add me to a list of friends
knowing you would quietly lurk 
and part of me would always be wondering when
you would decide to reach out 
and bring turmoil back into my world 
as you've done so many times before

I'm not really sure friends ever described 
what was between us
it was both more and less
though I've never really had 
words to explain 
us

friend, confidant
best friend's fiancée
partner of my heart
unofficially adopted brother
soulmate, stranger
betrayer, advisor
almost boyfriend
no one

all of those things
and none of those things

at times you brought so much good
into my life
you taught me I was worthy of love
... until you walked away
you taught me my words had value
... until you threw them back unwanted

I know there were reasons
I know the hurt that was in your life
I know I needed you as much as 
you needed me
and we were both broken and damaged
and it wasn't just the two of us
it was the four of us always
even when it wasn't

I know I promised I would always be there
if you decided to stop running and needed me
That's why it's hard to close the door firmly
I didn't make that promise lightly

but I'm not the same person I was then
you're probably not either,
but I wouldn't know, because this time
you didn't reach out, you just lurked

Well, actually, I am the same person
but I didn't know me then
and neither did you
I just thought I was broken
and you, many times,
made me feel less broken
until, in your own brokenness,
you broke me more

I was probably foolish to trust you
stable wouldn't have been a word
to describe anything about you 
in our previous versions of this story

there is still anger at you 
for abusing that trust
and for how guilty I feel for closing the door
but, also, maybe I'm mostly angry
at myself for hiding away who I was
and allowing myself to be so easily hurt
and believing the lie that I was broken
because I couldn't see my own value

and maybe that's the anger
I need to let go of in order to finally 
close the door 
not on who I was then
but on the power I gave you in my life

there's never been a healthy version of us
it's always been too tied up 
in our brokenness and shame

I'd still be there if you needed something
because the good you were in my world still exists
but there are boundaries now that cannot be crossed
so the door is closed 
because I know who I am
and sometimes there is no going back

The person I wrote this about knows who he is. This is me saying I’m done. What connected us then is no longer.