With many thanks to Derek Webb. Music has always been part of how I make sense of my world and my faith. As much as I hoped that wasn’t lost forever, it seemed likely that it was until I discovered your music. Thank you for being a complicated person and giving voice to the complexity of life and faith.
Me! Taken by my friend Matt on a trip into San Francisco a couple of weeks ago.
ten years ago I thought I understood the price of hate ten thousand children tossed away in the name of protecting orthodoxy rather than allowing homosexuals to be treated with dignity and equality I couldn't understand that version of christianity concluded I was done never to return but, it made me find my voice take pride in who God created me to be entirely, unashamedly queer
ten years further on... there are micro labels giving details to queer I better understand who I am how I got to 43 before knowing I wasn't straight queer cisgender asexual sapphically-oriented panromantic but still queer
ten years further on... the price of hate grown exponentially our trans and non-binary siblings attacked verbally and physically on a daily basis their lives at risk for living the truth of who they were created to be the charge led by those claiming to speak on behalf of a God defined by love but perverted into fear and hate of everything queer
ten years further on... I've experienced the gift of love unconditional, freely given without expectation of return seeking the flourishing of all I've found faith in God allowing my full self all of my questions all of my doubts all of my queerness without having to hide I've learned there is much more than I was taught evangelical christianity isn't the only understanding liberation for all is possible if your faith is queer
ten years further on ... I am grateful that I didn't know until I was ready until my family could accept who I am until I could accept who I am I am grateful for friends old and new who see me for who I am for chosen family some by biology, most not who love me and see my queerness I am grateful for my family of faith in-person and online richer community than I had ever known because I can be fully queer
Today is ten years since I came out about being queer. I'd only figured it out about 8 months before. It feels both like yesterday and like a lifetime ago. For those who have been part of the journey, thank you. For my partner who I never imagined I would find, I love you and I'm so grateful for you and the delightfully queer family we have created. You will always have my heart. For my chosen family, you know who you are, my life would not be as rich without you. For my queer community of faith, I am so grateful for each and every one of you. I see Jesus in you in every encounter, in person and online. The fruit is real and it is very good. Don't ever doubt that despite what accusations are hurled in hate and fear. For queer elders, both in age and experience, thank you for sharing your wisdom, for fighting for our rights, and seeking to make our world a place where we all can thrive.
What if we could see the older woman clearly not having had an easy life probably unhoused quietly sitting at the back of the church when she asked about a washroom as someone who needed to pee not as someone looking for a place to use
maybe she was self-medicating might feel like her only option but maybe she only wanted a safe, warm, private place to pee with dignity
What if we could be see the tents outside our doors be angry at the systems that lead to people being unhoused fight for justice and change rather than being angry at and afraid of those seeking to survive finding a place of shelter outside our Walking Together Chapel on land we may own but that is not ours
What if we could see ... see our neighbourhood through Christ ... not figuratively ... but literally?
What if rather than rose-coloured glasses we saw through Christ-coloured glasses? what if we asked not what would Jesus do but What and who would Christ see in ...
How would Christ feel about ... the city around us? the people we encounter? What would that look like? What would we do differently? How would our lives and our neighbourhood be transformed?
Photo taken by Karencee of the Christ Crucified window (artist: Lutz Haufschild) in the Walking Together Chapel at the Anglican Church of St. John the Divine, Victoria, BC.
We claim we are
a church for all people
in the heart of Victoria
We seek to be inclusive
making a safe space for 2SLGBTQIA+ people
We work for justice
striving to make the world a better place
We prioritize reconciliation and healed relationships
with the Indigenous peoples of these lands
We commit to safeguard
the integrity of God’s creation
But what does that mean
if our inclusion ignores intersectionality
when our actions push aside
those already on the margins
so they are farther out and less valued
than they were before
because they lack the things
society requires for them
to be seen as worthwhile
when we fear those who live outside our walls
when we say land belongs to us and
no one is welcome but those we allow inside
what are we shouting at
our unhoused and Indigenous neighbours
who have stewarded these lands since
time immemorial
whose lands we've taken for our own purpose
and now said they are unwelcome
without our permission
what are we shouting at
our unhoused and 2SLGBTQIA+ neighbours
who became unwelcome in their homes
because of lies and toxic theology
taught in the name of the God we claim
what are we shouting at
our unhoused and disabled neighbours
when we have allowed governments
to strip away supports and funding
and dignity that has left them without
what are we shouting at
our unhoused and addicted neighbours
who have found the only solace they can
in self-medication
because there were few other choices available
and we have criminalized their method of survival
what are we shouting at
our neighbours both unhoused and housed
when we are willing to decimate
a green space of refuge
in the heart of the city where few are found
and for what are we shouting?
a fence will not stop noise
a fence will not stop our unhoused neighbours
existing on our doorstep
a fence will not add safety
because a fence will not keep out fear
only love will do that
Tomorrow after church there will be a meeting to decided whether we will approve putting a fence down the middle of the green space between the church and the geared-to-income seniors housing building as part of fencing in the senior’s housing building as part of improving safety of the residents. We are, and have been for decades, a block from the majority of services for the unhoused community in our city.
I have strong feelings about what that decision will say to our community.
For context, I write this as a white, cisgender, able-bodied, queer, fat woman who is employeed full-time and struggles with depression and anxiety. I seek to understand the privilege I carry, and I know there is no true inclusion or progress if we are not all included.
I have sought to describe our unhoused neighbours with compassion and to the best of my ability and understanding, but if I have mispoken or misrepresented, please do not hesitate to let me know so that I can continue to learn and do better.
for the one whose name I do not know
whose story I do not know
except for a few tiny and life-changing details
you recently told your family
that you wanted them to use
new pronouns for you
I do not know why you chose the ones you did
but I know you chose they/them
the only other thing I know
one of your family members
asked online friends, followers and strangers
to pray for you
I hope you didn't see what he asked
you deserve better and more from those
called family
I wish I could say he asked for comfort
for you on this journey to living out
who you truly are
who you were created to be
but he didn't
and my heart broke for you
I did say I'd pray
though not for what he asked
because coming out is a precious journey
and you, like every trans or queer person,
deserve to know that you are loved
and accepted
and valued
and supported
whatever label you claim in our rainbow family
so I prayed for you
to know peace and love from those most dear to you
to feel confidence as you take this step
and I prayed for your family
for changed hearts
for willingness to set aside theology held tightly
beliefs that would lead them to think
you are somehow less than
perfectly
loved and created by God
exactly as you are
as queerly as you are
as whatever gender you know yourself to be
but in case their hearts cannot see you
in case they cling to to tightly
to what was never true
I prayed for courage to walk the path you need
to honour who you are
and for comfort if you must grieve their loss
so you can move confidently forward
and bravery that you already have
to find companions for the road ahead
chosen family who know and love you
I don’t know the specific person I was praying for yesterday, but I encountered their brother on Twitter (nope, I’m not calling it any other name).
I wish … I wish so many things, but mainly I wish for a world where every 2SLGBTQIA+ person didn’t have to wonder if the people who are supposed to love them unconditionally would really be able to do that. I particulary wish that for those who have grown up in the church.
I am ever so grateful that by the time I finally figured out I was queer, my family had already made it to affirming (at least mainly), but I also know that version of the story is far too rare. So, really, this prayer is for far more than just one person whose name I don’t know but whose pronouns I do, it is for all of my rainbow siblings, in or out of the closet, whatever label, whatever gender identity or sexuality you know to be yours, whose families haven’t yet been able to see you for who you are. Some day may they change and until then, may you know that your rainbow family loves you and sees you.
What do I mean when I say I'm praying for you?
It means that in my heart, and maybe physically,
I've lit a candle and quietly spoken your name
in the presence of the divine, whatever that might mean to you or me
What do I mean when I say I'm praying for you?
Not what I meant when faith was certain
when I was sure I knew God's heart
or at least wanted you to believe I did
What do I mean when I say I'm praying for you?
It means I am seeking light for you
that when it is dark there will be a glimmer
the tiniest spark to lead you on your path
What do I mean when I say I'm praying for you?
Not what I meant when prayer was used as a weapon
to judge and shame and convict without compassion
when prayer was a way to sanctify gossip
What do I meant when I say I'm praying for you?
It means an offer of love and support
as unconditional as I know how to give
so we both know we are not alone on the journey
I’ve been thinking a lot about what prayer means to me now that faith is both less certain and yet deeper and richer. Similarly, prayer is now both more and less than it once was.
You can find the full text of Andrea Gibson’s poem on their substack.
... where I come from beauty is in the eye
of anyone who sees what’s missing
but can’t stop pointing to what’s still there.
If there is no definition of love yet,
I think that’s a good one.
we're still there
despite everything
that has been missing
we're still there
that is the definition of love
that is the evidence of our faith
Some context is important and if you follow me on Twitter, it won’t be surprising the context includes that I’ve been listening to Flamy Grant’s song Good Day, so I couldn’t help but hear Andrea’s words with that song as an underlying soundtrack during the Lectio Divina practice of the Monday Night Contemplative Spirituality Group I’m part of.
If somehow you haven’t heard Good Day yet, have a listen. You won’t regret it.
i don't know his name
i've not seen him before or since
he arrived silently
backpack on his shoulders
tentative steps
looking around to see if
his presence would be allowed
he walked quietly
not tiptoeing but with no sound
he looked deeply
seeming enchanted
by stained glass windows
full circle
around
then he arrived
at the foot of the cross
he stood in silence
"Father, forgive them
for they know not
what they do."
he remained standing
transfixed
as a poem began to be read
he sat for a moment
before he continued
exploring the part he had
not yet seen
he left on still silent feet
but paused again
at the foot of the cross
marked himself
with the familiar sign
and continued on his way
some might have questioned
did he belong
but i know who i saw that day
a neighbour seeking
and i saw Jesus in him
Written on Good Friday 2023, during our time of meditation on the seven last words from the cross. I was tempted to take a photo, but even from the back, his coat was distinctive. Instead I wrote these words to ensure I would remember.
It’s time
Time for me to make clear
Something I thought
Was obvious when I wrote
The Price of Hate
Most understood
Some asked questions
To clarify rather
Than make assumptions
On that day
And on the days since
I have felt
Unconditional support
And love
Overwhelming love
Healing love
Soaking in to places broken
For far too long
But today
In the midst of
Bathroom bills
In the aftermath of
Orlando
In the facebook posts
Run rampant
It is apparent
Some of you missed
What I said
Or ignored
What I said
Or forgot
What I said
Or didn’t care
What I said
So let me be
Perfectly
Crystally
Entirely
Explicitly
Proudly
Clear
I am not straight.
I. Am. Queer.
Perfectly
Crystally
Entirely
Explicitly
Proudly
Queer
It is not your business
To know why I claim
That particular word
I am a private person
My sex life
My love life
My romantic desires
Are none of your concern
It is enough for you to know
I am queer
And have always been
Even when I didn’t
Acknowledge or
Understand or
Speak that truth
So when I say
What I need to say
In this moment
Today
I hope your ears
Are open to hear
You are someone who
Matters to me
Whose friendship
I value
A relationship
I hope
Can continue
But …
When you speak hate
When share hate
When you keep silent
In the face of hate
Toward anyone
Who is
Lesbian
Gay
Bisexual
Transgender
Asexual
Aromatic
Pansexual
Intersex
Gender Fluid
Gender Neutral
Two Spirit
Non-Binary
Queer
And any other letter
In the gloriously
Rainbow coloured alphabet
That makes up
The people I claim as siblings
When you tolerate hate
Against my family
You are speaking hate
Against me
It is not
Against an unknown evil
With an agenda
Contrary to God’s will
You are spewing hate
At someone you
Have known for years
Someone you once called
Family
Classmate
Student
Colleague
Youth Leader
Mentor
Pastor
Friend
Or whatever other label
You choose to apply to
What we shared
What connected us
And yes
Sharing posts
Making comments
Supporting political movements
In the name of religious belief that
Vilify
Misgender
Stigmatize
Deny rights to
Denigrate
Dehumanize
Is speaking hate
You are entitled to
Your theology
Your belief
Your point of view
Your fear
Your emotional reaction
To something you
Don’t understand or
Don’t experience or
Don’t acknowledge
You are not entitled
To use any of
Those reasons
To lessen
The innate value
Of another human being
To take away rights
To block protections to
Ensure safety
To make someone else’s life
Harder to live
Be grateful
For the privilege
You have never needed
To realize you have
Use that privilege
Make the world
Safer for all people
Do what the God
You claim commanded
Act justly
Love mercy
Walk humbly with your God
Defend the oppressed
Love your neighbor as yourself
If you can’t
If you won’t
Don’t be surprised
When I decide to
Prioritize the well-being of
My rainbow family
Over your need to
Prove you are
Righteous and faithful
At the cost of
Our mental health
Our dignity
Our lives
I first wrote, recorded and hit publish on this poem in June 2016.
It’s been bouncing around in my head these last few weeks as a rising tide of hate keeps sweeping across the U.S. and is also quite visible in Canada too. I almost decided to update the poem, but then someone might think this is a new phenomenon. It’s not and it wasn’t when I wrote it, but I was new to it. As someone who’d only been out for two years.
I’d never recorded me speaking one of my poems before, but it is too easy for people, especially within the Christian community, to share and make what they think are “innocent comments” without realizing the impact it has on real people that they actually know, so I wanted to make sure there was a human face to these words.
For those who are prepared to engage in respectful dialogue, I welcome your thoughts and am prepared to engage in that conversation with you. I lived and pastored in the evangelical church world, I know that moving away from what we were taught is hard and scary and feels like it must be wrong. The thing I can say now (that I couldn’t have said back in 2016) is God is still here, outside the box we were taught God belonged in. There is good fruit and there is community with other people of Christian faith that gives spaces for questions and being all of who you are.
However, please be aware that your “theological questions” are my day-to-day life. As such, I may choose to disengage from the discussion and/or block your involvement, if the conversation turns from respectful engagement and generous spaciousness.
Also, in case it wasn’t clear, from the poem, the existence, humanity and dignity of 2SLGBTQIA+ people is not up for debate nor is the existence of faithful 2SLGBTQIA+ Christians.
Poeming Out 