Tag Archives: coming out

Ten years further on …

By Posted in Life Lessons, Poetry Tagged , , , , , Leave a comment
A photo of me, a woman with purple framed glasses, greying hair and a big grin, wearing a loose fitting purple tunic top, standing facing the camera with a view of the Golden Gate Bridge and the city of San Franscisco behind me.
Me! Taken by my friend Matt on a trip into San Francisco a couple of weeks ago.
ten years ago
I thought I understood
the price of hate
ten thousand children
tossed away in the name of
protecting orthodoxy 
rather than allowing
homosexuals to be treated
with dignity and equality
I couldn't understand 
that version of christianity
concluded I was done
never to return
but, it made me find my voice
take pride in who 
God created me to be
entirely, unashamedly
queer
 
ten years further on...
there are micro labels 
giving details to queer
I better understand
who I am
how I got to 43 
before knowing 
I wasn't straight
queer
cisgender
asexual
sapphically-oriented
panromantic
but still
queer
 
ten years further on...
the price of hate
grown exponentially
our trans and non-binary siblings
attacked verbally and physically
on a daily basis
their lives at risk for living 
the truth of who 
they were created to be
the charge led by those
claiming to speak 
on behalf of a God 
defined by love but
perverted into fear and hate
of everything
queer
 
ten years further on...
I've experienced the gift of love
unconditional, freely given
without expectation of return
seeking the flourishing of all
I've found faith in God 
allowing my full self
all of my questions
all of my doubts
all of my queerness
without having to hide
I've learned there is much more
than I was taught
evangelical christianity isn't
the only understanding
liberation for all 
is possible if your faith is
queer
 
ten years further on ...
I am grateful
that I didn't know
until I was ready
until my family could accept
who I am
until I could accept 
who I am
I am grateful
for friends old and new
who see me for who I am
for chosen family
some by biology, most not
who love me and see
my queerness
I am grateful
for my family of faith
in-person and online
richer community 
than I had ever known
because I can be fully 
queer
Today is ten years since I came out about being queer. I'd only figured it out about 8 months before. It feels both like yesterday and like a lifetime ago. 
For those who have been part of the journey, thank you. 
For my partner who I never imagined I would find, I love you and I'm so grateful for you and the delightfully queer family we have created. You will always have my heart.
For my chosen family, you know who you are, my life would not be as rich without you.
For my queer community of faith, I am so grateful for each and every one of you. I see Jesus in you in every encounter, in person and online. The fruit is real and it is very good. Don't ever doubt that despite what accusations are hurled in hate and fear.
For queer elders, both in age and experience, thank you for sharing your wisdom, for fighting for our rights, and seeking to make our world a place where we all can thrive.

Goodbye GLBG (Good Little Baptist Girl)

By Posted in Life Lessons, Poetry, Written a long time ago Tagged , , , , Leave a comment 
once upon a time I knew
Child of God
Created in His image
Christian
Believer

or at least
I acted like I knew

I did believe
I wanted to believe
I was scared if I didn’t believe

The GLBG
“Good Little Baptist Girl”
was what I knew

all I knew how to be
all I thought
I should be

but The GLBG
was always afraid
what if someone finds out?

what if someone realizes
The GLBG doesn’t
read her Bible
or pray
everyday
or even
every week

what if someone discovers
The GLBG would rather do
anything other than
pray out loud
in a group

what if someone discerns
The GLBG doesn’t believe quite
as hard as they do
or that the GLBG can’t
just take it on faith
because the bible
or the church
or the pastor
says it is so

The GLBG always knew
if she were known
she would be cast out
adrift
cut off
unwanted
unloved
because she was never
enough

Not good enough
Not spiritual enough
Not … something she didn’t even have words for …
enough

The GLBG knew if anyone
God included
looked deep enough
she would be found out

The GLBG hung on to faith
for as long as she could
she hid her GLBG heritage
and tried to live into
the faith she claimed
with freedom
and compassion
and grace

but eventually
she failed

even freedom
compassion
and grace are not enough
when you don’t actually believe
they could ever apply
to you
 
so I left
I wandered
I explored
I listened

eventually
I found words
for what was deep inside

I cried
I raged
I hated
I loved
I listened some more

The GLBG
slipped away
I learned
not to be afraid
not to hide

Goodbye GLBG
I don’t need you anymore
I am enough

unexpectedly
my path wandered back
I didn’t plan it
I tried to avoid it
but I found myself
at home in a church
where I am not afraid
where I hear words from the pulpit
that assure me of
unconditional love
grace
acceptance
as I am

a queer person
of faith
who doesn’t really know
what she believes
but does know
that if god
by whatever name you call
is to be found
they

(singular or plural
you choose
but definitely
non-gender specific)

they will be found
in the depths
in the darkness
in the margins
in the hopeless
in the lost
in the wanderers

Originally published on my old blog in January 2017 as my entry in that year’s Queer Theology Synchroblog on the theme of “Identity”

For a friend and sibling, whose name I do not know

By Posted in Poetry, Prayers for my friend Tagged , , , , , Leave a comment 
for the one whose name I do not know
whose story I do not know 
except for a few tiny and life-changing details

you recently told your family
that you wanted them to use 
new pronouns for you
I do not know why you chose the ones you did 
but I know you chose they/them

the only other thing I know
one of your family members
asked online friends, followers and strangers
to pray for you

I hope you didn't see what he asked
you deserve better and more from those
called family

I wish I could say he asked for comfort
for you on this journey to living out 
who you truly are
who you were created to be
but he didn't
and my heart broke for you

I did say I'd pray 
though not for what he asked
because coming out is a precious journey
and you, like every trans or queer person, 
deserve to know that you are loved
and accepted
and valued
and supported
whatever label you claim in our rainbow family

so I prayed for you
to know peace and love from those most dear to you
to feel confidence as you take this step

and I prayed for your family
for changed hearts 
for willingness to set aside theology held tightly 
beliefs that would lead them to think
you are somehow less than 
perfectly
 loved and created by God 
exactly as you are
as queerly as you are
as whatever gender you know yourself to be

but in case their hearts cannot see you
in case they cling to to tightly 
to what was never true
I prayed for courage to walk the path you need
to honour who you are
and for comfort if you must grieve their loss
so you can move confidently forward
and bravery that you already have 
to find companions for the road ahead 
chosen family who know and love you

I don’t know the specific person I was praying for yesterday, but I encountered their brother on Twitter (nope, I’m not calling it any other name).

I wish … I wish so many things, but mainly I wish for a world where every 2SLGBTQIA+ person didn’t have to wonder if the people who are supposed to love them unconditionally would really be able to do that. I particulary wish that for those who have grown up in the church.

I am ever so grateful that by the time I finally figured out I was queer, my family had already made it to affirming (at least mainly), but I also know that version of the story is far too rare. So, really, this prayer is for far more than just one person whose name I don’t know but whose pronouns I do, it is for all of my rainbow siblings, in or out of the closet, whatever label, whatever gender identity or sexuality you know to be yours, whose families haven’t yet been able to see you for who you are. Some day may they change and until then, may you know that your rainbow family loves you and sees you.

You are queer enough and you are loved.

Where does that leave me?

By Posted in Poetry Tagged , , , , , Leave a comment 
I get it
You're angry
I get it
You've been hurt
Me too
It's not fair or right 
soooo many people 
take soooo long to become affirming
and even longer to "come out" as affirming

[yes, I know that phrase is going to annoy some of you
it kind of annoys me too when straight people use it
but we're more similar than we are different
and I'm rethinking my annoyance]

because tonight 
for the first time since I came out
I felt ashamed of my journey to figuring out I'm queer
and it wasn't the words or actions of 
a hateful Christian bigot that spawned the shame

it was vitriol directed at an ally who "came out" 
admitted he was wrong and 
apologized for what he'd previously believed
[and no, he didn't say he was "coming out" 
that's my word choice]

43 years it took me to figure it out
not broken and straight
queer and whole
and another 8 months to come out publicly

but before that 
41 years to become fully affirming
and only after I'd thrown church and faith away

I'd never walked away from friendships due to my faith
but I didn't know how to reconcile what I'd been taught 
with friends who'd come out (or were outed) years before
I loved them as best as I knew how
in the eighties and nineties and two thousands
but looking back it was ...
insufficient
because love the sinner, hate the sin always is
no matter how much you try to love the sinner
but I stayed and those friendships grew
and eventually I learned how to truly love them
and me

the person so many are mad at
he was honest 
it took him 9 years to get here

Can I be honest?
Or will this condemn me in your eyes?

I started asking the questions that eventually 
got me to realizing churches need rainbows 
when I was 17

so 9 years? 
that feels pretty short and pretty fast
24 years?
that's a lot of years I could have done things differently

so where does that leave me?
someone who is part of the community
someone who is queer
but also someone who took a lot longer on my journey 
to affirm and celebrate the dignity and diversity
of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community
than I wish it had

I can't change those years
You have no idea how much I wish I could
those regrets are mine to navigate

but please know when you rail against allies
who you think took too long
or didn't "come out" in quite the right way
I'm certain I'm not the only one who wonders
what you think of how long it took me

I don’t often link to my old blog, but I wrote about the moment when I finally became fully affirming. While I was specifically writing about a friend who was gay, my reference to the church needing rainbows was meant to include everyone within the 2SLGBTQIA+ community even though I didn’t have all the words for that back then.

Also, apologies, there are probably some typos in here that I’ll need to fix tomorrow, but it’s late and I need to go to sleep and, come what may, I need to say this out loud if I’m gong to have an likelihood of a decent sleep tonight.

The Price of Hate

By Posted in Poetry Tagged , , , , , 2 Comments

I wanted to do this
In my own time
To wait until I was ready
Until I had the answers
Rather than questions
I’m still asking myself

I wanted to do this
When I felt secure
To wait until I’d talked
With those I owe
Deep levels of trust
To share face to face
Or at least Skype to Skype

I wanted to do this
After I’d told my family
To wait until the perfect moment
Had revealed itself
And I was ready for
Every potential response

I wanted to do this
When I knew how to explain
Forty years of truth
Buried so deep
All I knew was brokenness

There is an awkwardness in
Maintaining silence
My safety net of procrastination
Wrapped tightly
Trying to contain the
Chaos of rediscovery

But something happened

Ten thousand children
Thrown away
And my silence feels like complicity
My safety net of waiting
Feels wrapped around my throat
Taking away my breath
Cutting off the words I ache to speak

There is no right time
I may never be ready
I may never be able to explain
There is only the moment now
And in this moment
My safety net must unravel
Else I lose the ability to speak

Heart broken

Ten thousand children
That’s how much some people hate
People who also claim belief in a god
Whose very scriptures teach
Love your neighbour as yourself
Care for orphans and widows
In their distress

Ten thousand children
Starving and in need
Support ripped out from
Under their precious lives
An act of hate
Called righteousness
In the name of protecting
Orthodoxy
From the scourge
Of homosexuality

How can people
Called to be like the god they claim
Who has named himself Love
Hate us at such a price to
Ten thousand children

Tears fall as words flow
Years of learning
Straight was right
Queer was sin
My heart breaks
Am I the only one
Who feels the stab of
Soul-crushing guilt
As if my existence
Is somehow to blame for
Ten thousand children
Dropped in a heartbeat of hatred
When one organization
Makes the tiniest movement
Towards acknowledging our rights
As human beings
Created in the image
Of the divine

This is also the price of hate
But unlike ten thousand children
I have a choice
I will not pay their price
I will not take on that guilt
Being queer does not
Equal broken
Nor does it mean excluded
From the faith of my childhood

I will stand up
I will proudly claim my truth
I will meet their fear
With love
For myself
For the world around me
Even for those who hate
Together may we stand in the gap
For ten thousand innocent children

—–

If you haven’t heard about what happened that caused ten thousand children to lose their sponsors through World Vision in the United States because a powerful group of people who call themselves Christians decided fighting against gay rights was more important than caring for the most vulnerable among us, you can read the details here, here or here, just to point you to a few.

I already sponsor a child through Compassion Canada whom I plan to continue sponsoring until she ages out of the program. I am pondering sponsoring another child through World Vision Canada which follows Canadian laws regarding non-discrimination.

—–

I first posted this poem on my blog [yes, the name of that blog used to be here but now it’s not] on April 7, 2014. Sharing the post on facebook was my coming out. I am so grateful for the love and support I have received from family and friends.

Afraid

By Posted in Poetry Tagged , , , , Leave a comment

My brain says
It’s no one’s business
But my own

Why do I need
To tell everyone
Their assumptions
About me are
Flawed

Why should I need
To announce
I’m queer
Not straight

Why can’t I simply
Live my life
Love who I love
With no need of
Explanation

On the surface
That path should be
Available
Completely reasonable

My sexuality
Is my business
The only other
Who needs to know
Someone I have not met
Yet

My heart says
I can’t move beyond
Dreaming

If I’m afraid to claim
The truth of who I am
If I’m afraid of
Needing to explain

Forty-thee years of denying
Forty-three years of hiding
Not just from them
But even harder
To comprehend
From myself

That’s the question
I don’t want to answer
How could I
Live my life
So completely
Unaware
Repressed
Oblivious
Hidden
Lost
Broken
Afraid

Striving
To be someone
I never have been

Rather than being
The me
The world around
Said was sinner
Flawed
Disgusting
Abomination
Hated by God

So I hid
So deep
In such darkness
It took
Forty-three years
To find my way back
To myself

But I am still afraid

One Choice

By Posted in Poetry Tagged , , , Leave a comment

Artwork in photograph by Kelly Rae Roberts

terrified
of not belonging
lesson learned in childhood
stepping outside
the expected path
will leave you
bereft
your longed-for blue
five speed bicycle
returned and no place
for you
at the family table
 
 
you understand the story
of your past
daily seeking a new path
of faith that belongs
to you
despite the inherent
familial tension
springing from
choice made necessary
to survive
with soul intact
 
 
freedom found
in learning to listen to
your body
your heart
your soul
reveals stories
buried deep
hidden from all eyes
even your own
your truth denied
 
 
in the world
you grew in no
other possibility existed
never imagining
your reality could be
so entirely different
from the life
you learned to live
hiding brokenness
never healed
blamed on fear
of always being
on the outside
 
 
now you have
family of choice
circle of belonging
sense of community
rarely experienced before
but they don’t know
your truth
closeted away beyond
even your own gaze
 
 
childhood terror steals
your breath
your words
when you ponder
revealing the truth
you’ve now begun to own as
My Truth
 
 
fear of exclusion
rejection
losing your place
in the circle of trust
you’ve struggled to find
will they feel betrayed
is there possibility
of understanding
acceptance
embrace
in the midst of
your bewilderment
 
 
forty-three years
of hiding your truest self
so far away
you didn’t understand
all your efforts would
never fix you
the core wasn’t broken
you were just queer
trying desperately to live
an expected straight life
not your own
 
 
the dilemma you face
explore your truth
loudly and proudly
risking the place
you’ve finally found
hoping you still
belong
 
or
 
keep the life
you’ve built
stay quiet, hidden
pretending contentment
losing yourself
bit by bit
slowly dying inside
 
 
only one choice
for living exists
simple survival insufficient
fullness of life
once glimpsed
must be embraced
even if cost leads to
fear realized