I remember when I wanted proof
Proof that God exists
Proof that the flood happened
Proof that Jericho's walls fell
Proof that Jesus was crucified
Proof that Jesus rose from the dead
Proof that the Jesus in scripture was historically accurate
     (I literally wrote a paper on that once upon a time)
Proof that I had been saved
Proof that I would not be damned to hell
Proof that God had called me to ministry
Proof that what I believed in faith
Was truth beyond a reasonable doubt

Until I didn't want it anymore
Until I had to let it go because I couldn't stay
Until I knew I would lose the very thing
I was holding so tightly in my clenched fists
Until I had to leave

So I threw it away
Walked deliberately far from everything 
The community where I knew how to seem like I belonged
What answers to give to show my faith
What beliefs had shaped my thinking
What boundaries had formed my world
Gone tossed aside

And chose to recreate my world
One story at a time
One belief at a time
One relationship at a time

Nowadays they call it deconstructing
I suppose that works
Except it looked more like a bulldozer
Until it didn't
Until suddenly I found myself drawn in

Drawn in to a faith which required 
No contortions of mind to create certainty
No proof just relationship
Just acceptance of being beloved
No right answers just questions
Just exploring what love looks like lived out

My fists ... unclenched
My heart ... open to learn
My beliefs ... held lightly
Because it's not about proof
It was never meant to be
It was always about faith

And faith cannot exist 
without the option for doubt

A thread from the Rev. Daniel Brereton got me thinking about how I used to want proof for what I believed. Screenshots below of that thread and his original tweet that led to the thread.

Oh, there’s also a link to the old blog that I kept during that time when I had thrown things away. I’m not really sure what to do with that space any more, but it’s still there and maybe those stories are still helpful to someone else, if you want to browse around.