I wish I could but I cannot offer you absolution Forgiveness is not mine to grant I am not the one you left aside For things she could not change And so I offer you what I can As one who shares part of her path Your affirmation of Your lived out commitment to equality for The whole of the LGBTQ+ community Is seen and known by those within I know that cannot take away Your grief Or your regret But ... May you find comfort knowing Your words and actions matter You make the world safer A better place for those still here And ... Somehow, somewhere I believe she knows You chose to follow the path of love Because of her
i saw Jesus in him
i don't know his name i've not seen him before or since he arrived silently backpack on his shoulders tentative steps looking around to see if his presence would be allowed he walked quietly not tiptoeing but with no sound he looked deeply seeming enchanted by stained glass windows full circle around then he arrived at the foot of the cross he stood in silence "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." he remained standing transfixed as a poem began to be read he sat for a moment before he continued exploring the part he had not yet seen he left on still silent feet but paused again at the foot of the cross marked himself with the familiar sign and continued on his way some might have questioned did he belong but i know who i saw that day a neighbour seeking and i saw Jesus in him
Written on Good Friday 2023, during our time of meditation on the seven last words from the cross. I was tempted to take a photo, but even from the back, his coat was distinctive. Instead I wrote these words to ensure I would remember.
Photo credit: karencee (c) 2021
More Light than Darkness
once i knew everything i needed to know about the source of light and love then i would have been bewildered by those who paused to celebrate the summer solstice today i sat in silence with my face turned toward the sun and simply breathed now i have more questions than answers but this i know for certain more hope than doubt more love than fear more trust than cynicism more peace than hate more acceptance than despair more grace than judgment more light than darkness that is worth breathing in that is worth celebrating no matter how you understand the source
Happy Solstice!
Originally written on the Summer Solstice, June 20, 2012 and published on the blog I had back then.
The Puzzle
little pieces of my life one for you and one for you and on and on it goes 'til one for ... there should be one left for me one piece is missing the puzzle's incomplete each person has a part of me each person sees a different piece strong for one vulnerable for another laughing and silly for someone quiet and serious ofr someone else no one person sees the whole 'cuase pieces are still missing the puzzle's incomplete one piece holds it all together one piece defines the meaning of the rest everything falls apart if that one piece is lost
According to my notebook, I wrote this on March 22, 1993 — twenty years before I had any conscious clue what that puzzle piece might be, what part of me was missing and hidden even from myself.
I don’t remember the specific context and unlike much of what I wrote then, when I left myself notes about why I wrote it, I didn’t with this one. I wish I had.
What I do remeber is that I was a few short weeks before finishing my undergraduate degree and life was complicated and I felt pulled in so many directions. As much as I can look back now and see one piece that was clearly missing, I know the friendship dynamics that were going on then and I’m sure it was more about that, but also …
There clearly was a piece that was hidden and wouldn’t be found for a long, long while.
Which is more disturbing?
Rainbow coloured outlines Painted in the square Bodies sprawled out Cut down in the midst of life Holding hands Clinging to one another Around a globe Only Two simple words Remember Orlando
Watching countless people Walk straight across Eyes averted Or unaware of Horror represented Under their feet I don’t know When it appeared Maybe they’ve seen it Everyday and grown Accustomed Maybe they only see Rainbow colours Leftover Pride graffiti Nothing to see here I see it today for the first time My heart weeps Lives cut short by hate I stop Pause Remember Reflect My heart weeps more I know there is much Since that horrible night I know we can’t hold Everything Our lives would be Overwhelmed But the lack of care To realize some Almost certainly Counts themselves as allies Their Pride duty done To hear a parent ignore A child’s question Hey look! What is this? Their response Hurry the child along I understand protecting Innocence But at what cost?
White hetero-normative appearing Twenty-something couple Pauses to look A sliver of my faith restored Until Traffic slows Their words clear In the silence Okay. I know some people died, but Do we really need to have this Everywhere? I sit back down I write I take photographs Knowing they are not For me I will not forget But much of the world will
First published on my old blog on August 3, 2016.
For my friend, who doesn’t sleep much
I will never know what you see in your mind as you try to close your eyes for sleep meant to be restful but so often not but as my eyes close from the comfort of my pillow I quietly say your name in hope as a prayer as a wish just maybe this night will be different that when you finally allow your eyes to close you will find love holding you knowing you accepting all of who you are forgiving the things you want to but don't yet believe can be forgiven that when exhausted you finally succumb to sleep you will find unexpected peace deep refreshment restoration from exhaustion to wholeness
It’s Time
It’s time Time for me to make clear Something I thought Was obvious when I wrote The Price of Hate Most understood Some asked questions To clarify rather Than make assumptions On that day And on the days since I have felt Unconditional support And love Overwhelming love Healing love Soaking in to places broken For far too long But today In the midst of Bathroom bills In the aftermath of Orlando In the facebook posts Run rampant It is apparent Some of you missed What I said Or ignored What I said Or forgot What I said Or didn’t care What I said So let me be Perfectly Crystally Entirely Explicitly Proudly Clear I am not straight. I. Am. Queer. Perfectly Crystally Entirely Explicitly Proudly Queer It is not your business To know why I claim That particular word I am a private person My sex life My love life My romantic desires Are none of your concern It is enough for you to know I am queer And have always been Even when I didn’t Acknowledge or Understand or Speak that truth So when I say What I need to say In this moment Today I hope your ears Are open to hear You are someone who Matters to me Whose friendship I value A relationship I hope Can continue But … When you speak hate When share hate When you keep silent In the face of hate Toward anyone Who is Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Asexual Aromatic Pansexual Intersex Gender Fluid Gender Neutral Two Spirit Non-Binary Queer And any other letter In the gloriously Rainbow coloured alphabet That makes up The people I claim as siblings When you tolerate hate Against my family You are speaking hate Against me It is not Against an unknown evil With an agenda Contrary to God’s will You are spewing hate At someone you Have known for years Someone you once called Family Classmate Student Colleague Youth Leader Mentor Pastor Friend Or whatever other label You choose to apply to What we shared What connected us And yes Sharing posts Making comments Supporting political movements In the name of religious belief that Vilify Misgender Stigmatize Deny rights to Denigrate Dehumanize Is speaking hate You are entitled to Your theology Your belief Your point of view Your fear Your emotional reaction To something you Don’t understand or Don’t experience or Don’t acknowledge You are not entitled To use any of Those reasons To lessen The innate value Of another human being To take away rights To block protections to Ensure safety To make someone else’s life Harder to live Be grateful For the privilege You have never needed To realize you have Use that privilege Make the world Safer for all people Do what the God You claim commanded Act justly Love mercy Walk humbly with your God Defend the oppressed Love your neighbor as yourself If you can’t If you won’t Don’t be surprised When I decide to Prioritize the well-being of My rainbow family Over your need to Prove you are Righteous and faithful At the cost of Our mental health Our dignity Our lives
I first wrote, recorded and hit publish on this poem in June 2016.
It’s been bouncing around in my head these last few weeks as a rising tide of hate keeps sweeping across the U.S. and is also quite visible in Canada too. I almost decided to update the poem, but then someone might think this is a new phenomenon. It’s not and it wasn’t when I wrote it, but I was new to it. As someone who’d only been out for two years.
I’d never recorded me speaking one of my poems before, but it is too easy for people, especially within the Christian community, to share and make what they think are “innocent comments” without realizing the impact it has on real people that they actually know, so I wanted to make sure there was a human face to these words.
For those who are prepared to engage in respectful dialogue, I welcome your thoughts and am prepared to engage in that conversation with you. I lived and pastored in the evangelical church world, I know that moving away from what we were taught is hard and scary and feels like it must be wrong. The thing I can say now (that I couldn’t have said back in 2016) is God is still here, outside the box we were taught God belonged in. There is good fruit and there is community with other people of Christian faith that gives spaces for questions and being all of who you are.
However, please be aware that your “theological questions” are my day-to-day life. As such, I may choose to disengage from the discussion and/or block your involvement, if the conversation turns from respectful engagement and generous spaciousness.
Also, in case it wasn’t clear, from the poem, the existence, humanity and dignity of 2SLGBTQIA+ people is not up for debate nor is the existence of faithful 2SLGBTQIA+ Christians.
What Name Do You Call?
once i called you Jesus with that word, i could relate to you safe, knowable baby in a manager willing sacrifice Spirit seemed so far away untouchable, distant Father was the angry god i could never hope to satisfy one day i wished more for mystery a god i could not contain Spirit became the name i called ever-present, intimately intertwined yet other in every possible way Jesus, still when comfort needed but Father rarely spoken afraid i’d disappoint in wonder i remember moment of discovery the day i learned to call you Father arms open, reaching out to embrace holding me close in love unashamed of how broken i felt Father offering everything i lacked three-in-one, i knew you then knowable mystery accepting me in love those words now leave me tangled web of hurt, anger, bitterness i try to call your name but my voice will not speak those words i once used my heart contracts the walls close in once familiar names my life no longer knows you the face i see reflected lacks truth of who you are of who i am in you i need a new word but who am i to name the source of all creation each day i sit in silence whispering a single word seeking, trying to find the one that encompasses and draws us together Ruah, Breath, i seek to draw you in Creator, most easily recognized your handiwork surrounds me i sit with you in stillness but still you feel unknown i breathe inhale, exhale pause, repeat in the space carved out my heart feels a new name so clear the word seems spoken in my ear Beloved i pause, my breath held close Beloved, name and invitation in one simple word i cannot comprehend you call me Beloved at the core of my being you invite me to intimacy to be yours to call you my own Beloved you are all i have known more than i can yet comprehend reminder of the beauty i have let slip away lost in waves of anger and pain Beloved offers comfort, understanding growth to some thing more Beloved demands no striving offers rest and ease encouragement to grow deeper bolder, stronger Beloved knows I am enough
Written in September 2012 and previously published on blog I had then, several years after I’d walked away from church (but clearly not faith) and several years before I’d figured out I was queer.
Today, a conversation with a friend about the phrase he often uses in prayer “the God of so many names” made me of think it. Reading it again before sharing it with that friend reminded me of a truth I’d known but have allowed to get buried.
And yet … (Maundy Thursday 2017)
The altar stripped bare each piece carefully and thoughtfully removed layers peeled away harsh, barren surfaces and yet ... The light dimmed The sanctuary in near darkness and yet ... I cannot look away I long to stand up to walk out the door to return to the life I'd chosen away from all of this and yet ... As my soul is stripped bare tears of anger and bitterness of regret and heartbreak stream slowly down my cheeks and yet ... I cannot look away I long to stay and never leave this moment and yet ... I've never felt so broken and yet so completely whole so lost beyond hope and yet so relentlessly found so without a single word to speak and yet so full of truth undeniable
I wrote this in on Maundy Thursday in 2017 and first shared it on the blog I had on Maundy Thursday in 2018.
My Father’s Daughter
holding hands with my mom
it's the way he lived
and the way he passed peacefully
from this world
it's weird to know he's gone
our relationship was
...
let's go with
...
complicated
...
but he was my dad
while he wasn't a perfect …
father
husband
grandfather
uncle
son
brother
cousin
teacher
friend
neighbour
follower of Jesus
these things I know
he loved with his whole heart
as unconditionally as he was able
and family,
especially my mom,
meant everything to him
he strove to make the world better
for those in need
he taught with every breath
and not just knowledge, compassion too
he sought connection
with everyone he encountered
(I used to tease him that he'd have talked to
a fence post if he thought it would've talked back;
he never disagreed.)
he created in many forms
from poetry to bread-making
to graphic design to woodworking
he trusted and believed in a God who extends
mercy and grace to all
I don't think either of us ever liked it
when my mom would tell us we were alike
most often in our
...
let's go with
...
tenacity
(She used to blame that trait ...
though she called it stubbornness ...
on my Dad's side,
but I'd ask if she'd ever met her own mom,
and then we'd laugh;
I'm clearly genetically predisposed.)
but the truth is
...
I am my father's daughter
we're different in many ways,
but, also, in many, many ways,
this apple didn't fall far
from the tree
...
and that's not a bad thing
My Dad passed away late in the afternoon on April 27, 2020. The picture with this post was taken March 21, 2020. We knew then that his time was coming to an end and he was at peace knowing that my Mom would continue to be well cared for by the amazing staff at the care home where they live.
While it’s not officially the anniversary of his death, I will always count the very early days of lockdown as the anniversary, because that’s the last time I saw him. I originally shared this on my old blog in tribute shortly after his passing, but I wanted it to have a home over here and today seem the right day to do that.
Three years ago tonight, we sat vigil, not knowing if he would make it through the night. He did and he rallied for a bit, but we know it would not be long.
I am so grateful for the staff who made space for us to come, all gowned up, and sit with my Dad and Mom that night, March 20, 2020. It’s when we said our goodbyes.
Poeming Out 