Category Archives: Written a long time ago

Choosing Gratitude

By Posted in Life Lessons, Poetry, Written a long time ago Tagged , , 1 Comment 
unexpected
a name from the past
appears on my screen
my world tilts on its axis
forgetting for a moment
I am not the same

how easy to slip
back into old habits
back into anger
back to proecting myself
at all costs
seeking desperately to belong

suddenly
I'm the scared almost ten year old
still looking 
for a place to belong
at twenty
and even thirty years old

but I'm not
I have grown
I own my story

I understand now
what he meant in my life
why he had such power to hurt
what he taught me
and I can look back in gratitude
almost

gratitude
for believing in me
loving me
not trying to change me
accepting me
unconditionally
seeing worth and value
and beauty in me

gratitude
almost, but not quite
claiming my vulnerable story is new
old habits of fear
dig sharp claws deep

then I lived unknowing
unthinking
giving away my power
stuck in fear and shame

now I live 
understanding
able to choose
acceptance
forgiveness
gratitude

Written April 11, 2012 and originally published on my old blog.

Apparently I’ve forgotten things I knew then and also there were things then I hadn’t even begun to figure out. The story of that friendship makes much more sense now on this side of the closet door.

Also looking back … it never really was about unconditional love and acceptance, but that was how I experienced it at the time and how I remembered it when I wrote this. This side of the closet door and this far in the journey out of the toxic theology of evangelical Christianity, I have a different understanding of what those things mean.

Goodbye GLBG (Good Little Baptist Girl)

By Posted in Life Lessons, Poetry, Written a long time ago Tagged , , , , Leave a comment 
once upon a time I knew
Child of God
Created in His image
Christian
Believer

or at least
I acted like I knew

I did believe
I wanted to believe
I was scared if I didn’t believe

The GLBG
“Good Little Baptist Girl”
was what I knew

all I knew how to be
all I thought
I should be

but The GLBG
was always afraid
what if someone finds out?

what if someone realizes
The GLBG doesn’t
read her Bible
or pray
everyday
or even
every week

what if someone discovers
The GLBG would rather do
anything other than
pray out loud
in a group

what if someone discerns
The GLBG doesn’t believe quite
as hard as they do
or that the GLBG can’t
just take it on faith
because the bible
or the church
or the pastor
says it is so

The GLBG always knew
if she were known
she would be cast out
adrift
cut off
unwanted
unloved
because she was never
enough

Not good enough
Not spiritual enough
Not … something she didn’t even have words for …
enough

The GLBG knew if anyone
God included
looked deep enough
she would be found out

The GLBG hung on to faith
for as long as she could
she hid her GLBG heritage
and tried to live into
the faith she claimed
with freedom
and compassion
and grace

but eventually
she failed

even freedom
compassion
and grace are not enough
when you don’t actually believe
they could ever apply
to you
 
so I left
I wandered
I explored
I listened

eventually
I found words
for what was deep inside

I cried
I raged
I hated
I loved
I listened some more

The GLBG
slipped away
I learned
not to be afraid
not to hide

Goodbye GLBG
I don’t need you anymore
I am enough

unexpectedly
my path wandered back
I didn’t plan it
I tried to avoid it
but I found myself
at home in a church
where I am not afraid
where I hear words from the pulpit
that assure me of
unconditional love
grace
acceptance
as I am

a queer person
of faith
who doesn’t really know
what she believes
but does know
that if god
by whatever name you call
is to be found
they

(singular or plural
you choose
but definitely
non-gender specific)

they will be found
in the depths
in the darkness
in the margins
in the hopeless
in the lost
in the wanderers

Originally published on my old blog in January 2017 as my entry in that year’s Queer Theology Synchroblog on the theme of “Identity”

Pieces

By Posted in Poetry, Written a long time ago Tagged , , Leave a comment 
selling my soul
piece by tiny piece
all in the effort
to be what someone else
wants me to be

I've stayed here
longer than I planned
commitment made
commitment must be kept
even if I didn't know the cost

piece by tiny piece
heart hardened to avoid pain
emotions shut off to avoid anger
joy lost in the midst of frustration

the end is almost here
commitement soon fulfilled
piece by tiny piece
sold not to disappoint
the ones who matter

no one see the cost
piece by tiny piece
hard won contentment chipped away
long searched for faith stretched to breaking
soon release will come
will the pieces be found again

Written May 24, 2009 during a sermon I clearly wasn’t paying attention to at the church I was attending back then, but not for much longer. I guess you could say this was the start of what would become my deconstruction story.

The Puzzle

By Posted in Poetry, Written a long time ago Tagged Leave a comment 
little pieces of my life
one for you and one for you
and on and on it goes
'til one for ...
there should be one left for me

one piece is missing
the puzzle's incomplete

each person has a part of me
each person sees a different piece
strong for one
vulnerable for another
laughing and silly for someone
quiet and serious ofr someone else
no one person sees the whole

'cuase pieces are still missing
the puzzle's incomplete

one piece holds it all together
one piece defines the meaning of the rest
everything falls apart
if that one piece is lost

According to my notebook, I wrote this on March 22, 1993 — twenty years before I had any conscious clue what that puzzle piece might be, what part of me was missing and hidden even from myself.

I don’t remember the specific context and unlike much of what I wrote then, when I left myself notes about why I wrote it, I didn’t with this one. I wish I had.

What I do remeber is that I was a few short weeks before finishing my undergraduate degree and life was complicated and I felt pulled in so many directions. As much as I can look back now and see one piece that was clearly missing, I know the friendship dynamics that were going on then and I’m sure it was more about that, but also …

There clearly was a piece that was hidden and wouldn’t be found for a long, long while.