I am here
as I have never been
before
I've been on this path before
in this very spot before
so many times before
over countless years before
and yet ...
it is not the same
as it was before
I am not the same
as I was before
it does not have to be
as it was before
same path
same spot
new choices
I am here
as I have never been
before
With thanks to a couple lines from Wendell Berry’s poem “Rembember that it happened once” for inspiration found during our Lectio Divina practice a few weeks back.
The voice I heard inside my head
I'm not enough
I won't be good enough
no matter how hard I try
that voice was my father's
But I've learned that voice
does not speak truth
it speaks from his own childhood
I know that family story
I understand the source
I know it does not reflect who I am ...
... at least most days I do
The voice I hear inside my head
You're too fat
You're lazy
You just need to try harder
You could lose the weight
if only you tried
You'd be so much better then
that voice ...
it is my mother's
The one who was also
the voice of love
the safe place
the one who understood me
the one who was my rock
it is more complicated than I've admitted
to anyone ...
... including myself
My father's voice is silent
he can speak no more
I learned to stop listening to his hurt
before the end I knew he loved me
the best he knew how
and he was proud
of who I had become
My mother's voice???
her words was stolen years ago
by the disease that stole what made her
my rock, my safe place
my mom
But hers is the voice that still rings loudly
not the voice of her love
not the voice of her understanding
the voice unacknowledged for its complexity
for the hurt that it has caused
and still causes as I write these lines
those are the words I cannot unhear
those are the words I wish I could forget
those are words that feel like they were said yesterday
even though she hasn't spoken a comprehensible word in years
those are the words I must learn how to silence
Poeming Out 