October | 2023 | Poeming Out

once upon a time I knew Child of God Created in His image Christian Believer or at least I acted like I knew I did believe I wanted to believe I was scared if I didn’t believe The GLBG “Good Little Baptist Girl” was what I knew all I knew how to be all I thought I should be but The GLBG was always afraid what if someone finds out? what if someone realizes The GLBG doesn’t read her Bible or pray everyday or even every week what if someone discovers The GLBG would rather do anything other than pray out loud in a group what if someone discerns The GLBG doesn’t believe quite as hard as they do or that the GLBG can’t just take it on faith because the bible or the church or the pastor says it is so The GLBG always knew if she were known she would be cast out adrift cut off unwanted unloved because she was never enough Not good enough Not spiritual enough Not … something she didn’t even have words for … enough The GLBG knew if anyone God included looked deep enough she would be found out The GLBG hung on to faith for as long as she could she hid her GLBG heritage and tried to live into the faith she claimed with freedom and compassion and grace but eventually she failed even freedom compassion and grace are not enough when you don’t actually believe they could ever apply to you so I left I wandered I explored I listened eventually I found words for what was deep inside I cried I raged I hated I loved I listened some more The GLBG slipped away I learned not to be afraid not to hide Goodbye GLBG I don’t need you anymore I am enough unexpectedly my path wandered back I didn’t plan it I tried to avoid it but I found myself at home in a church where I am not afraid where I hear words from the pulpit that assure me of unconditional love grace acceptance as I am a queer person of faith who doesn’t really know what she believes but does know that if god by whatever name you call is to be found they (singular or plural you choose but definitely non-gender specific) they will be found in the depths in the darkness in the margins in the hopeless in the lost in the wanderers

for the one whose name I do not know
whose story I do not know 
except for a few tiny and life-changing details

you recently told your family
that you wanted them to use 
new pronouns for you
I do not know why you chose the ones you did 
but I know you chose they/them

the only other thing I know
one of your family members
asked online friends, followers and strangers
to pray for you

I hope you didn't see what he asked
you deserve better and more from those
called family

I wish I could say he asked for comfort
for you on this journey to living out 
who you truly are
who you were created to be
but he didn't
and my heart broke for you

I did say I'd pray 
though not for what he asked
because coming out is a precious journey
and you, like every trans or queer person, 
deserve to know that you are loved
and accepted
and valued
and supported
whatever label you claim in our rainbow family

so I prayed for you
to know peace and love from those most dear to you
to feel confidence as you take this step

and I prayed for your family
for changed hearts 
for willingness to set aside theology held tightly 
beliefs that would lead them to think
you are somehow less than 
perfectly
 loved and created by God 
exactly as you are
as queerly as you are
as whatever gender you know yourself to be

but in case their hearts cannot see you
in case they cling to to tightly 
to what was never true
I prayed for courage to walk the path you need
to honour who you are
and for comfort if you must grieve their loss
so you can move confidently forward
and bravery that you already have 
to find companions for the road ahead 
chosen family who know and love you

I don’t know the specific person I was praying for yesterday, but I encountered their brother on Twitter (nope, I’m not calling it any other name).

I wish … I wish so many things, but mainly I wish for a world where every 2SLGBTQIA+ person didn’t have to wonder if the people who are supposed to love them unconditionally would really be able to do that. I particulary wish that for those who have grown up in the church.

I am ever so grateful that by the time I finally figured out I was queer, my family had already made it to affirming (at least mainly), but I also know that version of the story is far too rare. So, really, this prayer is for far more than just one person whose name I don’t know but whose pronouns I do, it is for all of my rainbow siblings, in or out of the closet, whatever label, whatever gender identity or sexuality you know to be yours, whose families haven’t yet been able to see you for who you are. Some day may they change and until then, may you know that your rainbow family loves you and sees you.

You are queer enough and you are loved.

Poeming Out

Sometimes truth is best explored in poetry

Monthly Archives: October 2023

Goodbye GLBG (Good Little Baptist Girl)

For a friend and sibling, whose name I do not know