Monthly Archives: August 2023

Closing a door left open too long

By Posted in Life Lessons, Poetry Tagged , Leave a comment 
I don't know why I didn't block you on sight
why I allowed you to add me to a list of friends
knowing you would quietly lurk 
and part of me would always be wondering when
you would decide to reach out 
and bring turmoil back into my world 
as you've done so many times before

I'm not really sure friends ever described 
what was between us
it was both more and less
though I've never really had 
words to explain 
us

friend, confidant
best friend's fiancée
partner of my heart
unofficially adopted brother
soulmate, stranger
betrayer, advisor
almost boyfriend
no one

all of those things
and none of those things

at times you brought so much good
into my life
you taught me I was worthy of love
... until you walked away
you taught me my words had value
... until you threw them back unwanted

I know there were reasons
I know the hurt that was in your life
I know I needed you as much as 
you needed me
and we were both broken and damaged
and it wasn't just the two of us
it was the four of us always
even when it wasn't

I know I promised I would always be there
if you decided to stop running and needed me
That's why it's hard to close the door firmly
I didn't make that promise lightly

but I'm not the same person I was then
you're probably not either,
but I wouldn't know, because this time
you didn't reach out, you just lurked

Well, actually, I am the same person
but I didn't know me then
and neither did you
I just thought I was broken
and you, many times,
made me feel less broken
until, in your own brokenness,
you broke me more

I was probably foolish to trust you
stable wouldn't have been a word
to describe anything about you 
in our previous versions of this story

there is still anger at you 
for abusing that trust
and for how guilty I feel for closing the door
but, also, maybe I'm mostly angry
at myself for hiding away who I was
and allowing myself to be so easily hurt
and believing the lie that I was broken
because I couldn't see my own value

and maybe that's the anger
I need to let go of in order to finally 
close the door 
not on who I was then
but on the power I gave you in my life

there's never been a healthy version of us
it's always been too tied up 
in our brokenness and shame

I'd still be there if you needed something
because the good you were in my world still exists
but there are boundaries now that cannot be crossed
so the door is closed 
because I know who I am
and sometimes there is no going back

The person I wrote this about knows who he is. This is me saying I’m done. What connected us then is no longer.

Pieces

By Posted in Poetry, Written a long time ago Tagged , , Leave a comment 
selling my soul
piece by tiny piece
all in the effort
to be what someone else
wants me to be

I've stayed here
longer than I planned
commitment made
commitment must be kept
even if I didn't know the cost

piece by tiny piece
heart hardened to avoid pain
emotions shut off to avoid anger
joy lost in the midst of frustration

the end is almost here
commitement soon fulfilled
piece by tiny piece
sold not to disappoint
the ones who matter

no one see the cost
piece by tiny piece
hard won contentment chipped away
long searched for faith stretched to breaking
soon release will come
will the pieces be found again

Written May 24, 2009 during a sermon I clearly wasn’t paying attention to at the church I was attending back then, but not for much longer. I guess you could say this was the start of what would become my deconstruction story.

Finding light in the darkness

By Posted in Lectio Divina Ponderings, Poetry Tagged , , , , , Leave a comment 
it looks different now
in part because I know its name
which makes it both harder and easier
in a way I don't know how to navigate
but I've found my way out of darkness before

the darkness of the closet
the darkness of shame
the darkness of grief
the darkness of depression

I've found the window of light
the one I worked so hard to recognize before
it's still there, I've just lost track of it
the darkness didn't extinguish it then
the darkness hasn't consumed it now

the hard-earned light of past travail
sometimes that's the window of light to surprise you
sometimes that's a crack "that's how the light gets in"
sometimes that's what motivates you 
"to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight"
sometimes that's what reminds you the pain now won't be for 
evermore

It’s Monday night … tonight’s context for this writing during our Lectio Divina practice was Taylor Swift’s song Evermore and John O’Donohue’s blessing “For Suffering” and also the discussion that happened as we shared what we had heard in our listening that drew connections deeper and richer than I had heard on my own. I am so grateful for this community.

And yes, I’m also grateful for Canadian poet-songwriters Leonard Cohen and Bruce Cockburn.

Image of a sunset at the horizon, with white text superimposed. Text: For Suffering by John O'Donohue May you be blessed in the holy names of those Who, without you knowing it, Help to carry and lighten your pain. May you know serenity When you are called To enter the house of suffering. May a window of light always surprise you. May you be granted the wisdom To avoid false resistance; When suffering knocks on the door of your life, May you glimpse its eventual gifts. May you be able to receive the fruits of suffering. May memory bless and protect you With the hard-earned light of past travail; To remind you that you have survived before And though the darkness now is deep, You will soon see the approaching light. May the grace of time heal your wounds. May you know that though the storm might rage, Not a hair of your head will be harmed.
Image created by Matt Nightingale

Since you asked …

By Posted in Uncategorized Leave a comment 
How would I describe my friend?
It depends.
Do you want to know 
what the world is allowed to see
or who I see?

The world sees fierce loyalty
a slightly too quick willingness 
to jump into the line of fire
protecting anyone from bullies
an unwillingness to tolerate stupidity 
and badly reasoned arguments or bullshit
used to support bigotry and hate
maybe a little rough around the edges 
maybe a little over-confident
maybe a little angry and frustrated
but determined not to let prejudice go unchallenged
and still willing to listen and learn

If you're paying attention
you'll also see someone who has 
scars and deep wounds
mainly kept out of view 
and never discussed
but nevertheless they are there
visible in the music, videos and quotes shared

All of those things are at least partially true
some a lot more than partially
even if the world only catches a tiny glimpse 
but they're only a portion of who my friend is
Let me tell you what else I see

a mind that thinks deeply about everything
searching for balance and perspective 
observing and analysing all possibilities
seeking to reconcile paradox
holding a faith that doesn't fit comfortably
within the confines because easy answers
will never be enough

a willingness to do what needs to be done
regardless of the cost to his own well-being
never mind how those actions
will haunt his dreaming and his waking

a heart that is softer and more tender 
than he even admits to himself
a fear that he will not be enough
that somehow what he has done is unforgiveable
that the fault always lies within himself

an ability to love unreservedly
and without condition
seeing deeply the truths 
of those he claims as his own

a desire to connect and be seen 
to no longer be a ghost
even though there are things that cannot be shared
and being anything other than that
seems unimaginable and not worth dreaming
since he doesn't yet believe it's possible
because it's always felt that way
even in the time before

a grief that threatens to overwhelm
but also reminds that there is hope
and beauty and goodness 
in the simplest things of life

Faith without doubt … isn’t faith

By Posted in Poetry Tagged , , , , 1 Comment 
I remember when I wanted proof
Proof that God exists
Proof that the flood happened
Proof that Jericho's walls fell
Proof that Jesus was crucified
Proof that Jesus rose from the dead
Proof that the Jesus in scripture was historically accurate
     (I literally wrote a paper on that once upon a time)
Proof that I had been saved
Proof that I would not be damned to hell
Proof that God had called me to ministry
Proof that what I believed in faith
Was truth beyond a reasonable doubt

Until I didn't want it anymore
Until I had to let it go because I couldn't stay
Until I knew I would lose the very thing
I was holding so tightly in my clenched fists
Until I had to leave

So I threw it away
Walked deliberately far from everything 
The community where I knew how to seem like I belonged
What answers to give to show my faith
What beliefs had shaped my thinking
What boundaries had formed my world
Gone tossed aside

And chose to recreate my world
One story at a time
One belief at a time
One relationship at a time

Nowadays they call it deconstructing
I suppose that works
Except it looked more like a bulldozer
Until it didn't
Until suddenly I found myself drawn in

Drawn in to a faith which required 
No contortions of mind to create certainty
No proof just relationship
Just acceptance of being beloved
No right answers just questions
Just exploring what love looks like lived out

My fists ... unclenched
My heart ... open to learn
My beliefs ... held lightly
Because it's not about proof
It was never meant to be
It was always about faith

And faith cannot exist 
without the option for doubt

A thread from the Rev. Daniel Brereton got me thinking about how I used to want proof for what I believed. Screenshots below of that thread and his original tweet that led to the thread.

Oh, there’s also a link to the old blog that I kept during that time when I had thrown things away. I’m not really sure what to do with that space any more, but it’s still there and maybe those stories are still helpful to someone else, if you want to browse around.